It’s a metaphor…
To start, let me extend my biggest thanks to everyone for their awesome support. I’ve had a few days to make peace with not meeting my budget in the grocery store and I very much appreciate all of the encouragement. I know it’s only the first of twelve months and there will be so many trials and lessons that will be both good and bad that will teach us something; and that’s the whole point, right? It was just a bummer to not meet that first grocery-goal, and here’s why.
Hello, my name is Kerri-Ann and I am the precise definition of type-A. I like to be in control. I love calendars, deadlines, and color-coding. The bottom-line is often the only one I see. I have been accused of not being “gray” enough; this is where I learn. However this project is not about gray. It’s about control. This whole project is a control effort. See, I can’t control the fact that my Dad is gone, everything about his death at the age of 47 and the events that followed were so far out of my control that it gave me a feeling of spiraling through the air without any clue as to where I was going to land or what was next; admittedly this feeling is still there when I stop long enough to let my thoughts takeover. When I returned from being with my family it felt like I kept running into one road block after another. Whether it had to do with family, or our home, the girl’s being sick, child-care flux, health stuff, and of course our finances. Everything was swelling up around me and it felt like I was being pushed down by all of this issues and I couldn’t focus. I needed to pick something that would benefit everything, and as unfortunate as it is the biggest factor that could be changed with potentially the best outcome for everything, was our finances. We knew that if we tried hard enough, made significant changes we just might be able to gain some control over them, within reason. What I needed personally, was to plant my feet strongly and deal with the issues and loss in a constructive way; because if I didn’t then I was rapidly becoming the worse version of myself. A high-maintenance, unorganized, floundering, inattentive wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. This is why the bottom-line is so important to me…it’s a metaphor for the healing process. It takes time. It does not happen overnight. And now that I think about it in this regard, it makes perfect sense that I didn’t make my budget last week; but like everything else, we will continue to do all we can that is within our power to live and heal and make change. As I learn to live with this big change of not having him here, we as a family will make sure that we do all we can to facilitate change and deal with the issues in our time, and in our own way, it does not happen overnight. It’s a healing and learning process. Does this make any sense outloud???
On a side note about our pending vacay, no worries our vacation funds have been set-aside and not built into our budget AT ALL. We have known for months that we would be going, even before I got my job, so we had to begin to set money aside so that we could still create these well-deserved memories for our girls. I’ll post later in the week all the details about our trip and planning ahead and some of the unexpected, but necessary, sacrifices made.
P.S. To all of my “stalkers” in the world of blogging you are my followers, and I cannot thank you enough. Please continue to stalk me 🙂 I didn’t know if anyone would even read this, and I am okay if no one ever does, but it feels great that you do. ox