True Frustration

In the matter of all true rhyme and reason for even having a blog, I’m going to take a few minutes just to write and let a few things out, maybe even vent a bit, offering no excuse or apology.

As you know, we are really putting the rubber to the road to make change. We have been and we continue to but it’s incredibly frustrating to hit the roadblocks you thought you had gotten rid of. I logged into our bank account and at face value we seemed to be doing ok until I did the “what’s to come” calculations. We pay quite a few bills between the 20th and 28th of every month and with the exception of our rent all of our premium payments come out during this period. It quickly looked quite grim. ugh! Seriously..WTF! During my weight loss I read something like it takes 90 days for change to really be seen (I have no clue if this is true for all I know it’s a wikipedia fact but either way…sure, I’ll find use for that here). The silver lining is that we were able to make a final payment on one of our debts, so that is out-of-the-way. The remaining light is that the difference in the calculations is exactly what that double insurance payment cost us, so HOPEFULLY now the roadblock is out of the way- although I hesitate to say this with any true certainty.

To maximize this outlet, let me just say this week has been so very emotional so that may be where my little vent is rooted. I’m not sure why. I think that with our anniversary coming and father’s day vastly approaching I just miss my Dad so much. It often feels like a snowball that just keeps rolling, getting bigger and bigger. So, I guess it’s ridiculous to say I don’t know why I feel like this, of course I do. My Dad has only been gone for about 10 weeks and to most people their lives get to go on but when you are in the situation everything feels so much worse and nothing makes you feel better. I don’t expect anyone to know what to say and I think it’s fair to say most people don’t know what to say so they avoid it. This doesn’t help btw because sometimes you just want to talk about the person you love without feeling like you will make someone else feel uncomfortable. You get really good at going about your day and your business but then it just hits you- a slap in the face called reality and it sucks. It doesn’t matter if you had “time to prepare,” there is no preparation for losing a parent. And let me point out when you went on the roller coaster of he’s sick, he’s not sick, BS and the last conversation you had been he’s going home and he’ll be fine only to get a call 12 hrs later that he’s gone…this is NOT preparation instead it’s a sick game reflective of doctors ho have no idea what the hell they are doing. Now with all of this “venting” going on I can admit I feel guilty complaining in light of our nation’s events and my heart remains in Boston but let this be a lesson to me and to everyone not living in Boston, it will take so long for them to heal but we will all go on, or perhaps already have…but let us live with true compassion and empathy for this beautiful strong place and let us hold them tightly in our thoughts and prayers. Try to find the positive. For me, of course I have asked why, hundreds of times, I spend most evenings alone and peaceful moments are still filled with sadness, you can only imagine where my thoughts go BUT I stick to this… if I can pull out some positive, it’s to cherish family and I hope this teaches me the best way to be able to help offer comfort to those I love most when they enter this foreign territory of hurt.

In a moment of what I call weakness, I reached out to one my nearest and dearest earliest this week and let me close with her response to my why? “because life is hard and sometimes the parts we persevere through still bust out all at once” …true statement.


One thought on “True Frustration

  1. Those are feelings of not just saddenss but love in your heart and thats perfectly ok normal and quite honestly healthy even if it does bring tears allow yourself to feel talk cry or even smile as you cherish and let your dad live on within you. Just remember to cherish your family loved ones and dear friends that you are still able to hold and touch. Make every moment with them have a meaning a special meaning as that is how your Daddy is still guiding you. What he is saying is to listen for you’ll always hear him leading you as long as he’s alive within you. ox

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