…feelings not optional.

I don’t know how to start but I’m feeling the need to write. This week, for work, I am going through my CDL training. This is such a small almost meaningless task, except for the time consumption and training it’s only real kickback is how it enhances my somewhat versatile resume and repertoire; except that my Dad was a truck driver. He taught me all I know about cars and driving. When I hit a car a few months ago, my 16 year-old self kicked in and the first person I called was my Daddy. Guaranteed conversations with my dad were always cars, work, or parenting advice. He could provide me with any and all “true” perspective and one could guarantee that it was always unfiltered yet very much appreciated. That’s what made him so great at being a Daddy.

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Anyhow, the first week of the CDL process is tri-fold, and that’s just for the permit. So far I have passed 2/3 tests. Meaning, yes I failed one. It was bound to happen. I own it. Not the point. The first person I wanted to call was my Dad. I want to hear him laugh and say, well you didn’t study. BTW, I def did,  but then he would have given me some feedback and knowledge. I can hear him talking to me (I realize that I should capture this moment and hear him still talking but come-on..it’s not the same) This is one of those moments of bonding that I should be having with my mid-40 year old father who died too young and I’m angry about it. It hurts, deeply. 

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Someone dear to me recently explained the process of suffering and death as a novelty, for lack of a better word. It sounds wrong upfront, but when you think about it there’s a lot of truth to it. And like most things when the novelty wears off everyone else’s life gets to go on and you are left to deal with the pieces and pain. No one ever forgets it just gets pushed back. We are all guilty of it this, I am no exception. If I am being brutally honest I have even been guilty in the past of falling victim to acting like this with loss to those nearest to me but for the here and now. In this situation. It’s just different. I am different. I feel it to my core. I miss him to my toes and I love him beyond…

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2 thoughts on “…feelings not optional.

  1. Your Daddy is guiding you and with you grant it its not the same its different yet has its own meaning and way of communitcating. What I hope you will remember is you cant stop or change or control the pain and saddness of the past BUT you can control the love of the present don’t lose sight of what is there now to love and make memories with. ox

  2. Ker-Bear~thank you for putting into words the guilty feeling that I have had when a love-one has passed away. The idea of the process of death being a novelty is true. We do go on with our lives and each day it seems reflection on the passing of that loved one happens less and less. And yet I have to wonder if the novelty lies in the event of the death not the fact that we are left with the after without that person in our lives. That is something that every person who has known the deceased must face alone as we all have different degrees of hopes for the future that are now unable to come to fruition. When I think about those that I loved and lossed it is not the memories of all we had shared that causes me grief it is the now and after. One way I deal with that is to inject that person in those moments as best I can.

    I am thinking of you….keep writing and living in the moment!

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