Heartbreak Relapse

As much as I hope and want this blog, in one year’s time, to reflect high savings and great progress this project is also about healing; and unfortunately we have had yet another loss.

In an unforeseen turn of events, I have loss not one Dad this year but two. My biological father passed yesterday. It was a blunt-force-blow to my being and I am heartbroken, again. Confused yet? See, I was blessed with two strong men to call Dad. One, my Daddy, who stepped in and raised me when someone else (who loved me equally) knew enough that he couldn’t at that point in his life; and the other who gave me great Sicilian heritage, an emotional heart, decent skin and a some blue eyes I didn’t fully appreciate until my daughter had the same ones. He was the father who loved me enough to let me have two. He was never mean or intrusive and always appreciative of any way that he could be in my life. He was a man who actually befriended my Dad and showed gratitude for him stepping in as he stepped out and dealt with his own demons. Yes, through the years our relationship strayed and I’m completely guilty of pulling away from time to time and most recently after losing my Dad. I didn’t know how to move forward with many of my relationships this year, and this was one of them. But I had talked to him and he knew about my struggle and per usual, always respectful and supportive. He never asked why, instead he asked what’s next. The kind of relationship that I knew (or thought) would always be there and we could -and would- always “just pick up.” Funny how death can be the bold black line that isn’t just drawn in the sand. It’s cemented.

He held the key to so much of my past. A past I only knew a glimpse of. One I wanted to know so much more about. Therein is where the regret lies. It is what it is, but the loss in and of itself is difficult. It’s a different kind of pain. It’s a different kind of loss. Nonetheless I find myself filled with sadness. When my Dad died in January there was recognition of life and appreciation for all that he filled me with in life. I was greedy because I wanted more time, you always do, but truthfully I knew I was blessed with so much and to know this great man so well. With this loss I have the opposite, a void, filled with question. It’s as if I have stumbled upon a dark cave within myself and I want to find a bolder to cover it with but I can’t and so it remains-familiar, yet empty, and dark. The hurt, round two, is so much worse because the first thing I wanted to do was call my Daddy and he would tell me how to handle this situation but of course I couldn’t. People say talk to him…sorry, it’s not the same it feels like a relapse of heartbreak.

Yes, it sounds complicated, but to me it’s not. They were both too young, they were both so much a part of me and they are both gone and I am at a loss. I have wonderful memories of my Dad, but not enough, and as I said there was so much more to discover. I can’t help but think of my baby pictures where he looked so much in love with this little person and I am so grateful to have been that person. May you be at peace, Scott Francis Sgarlata. I love you and am forever indebted for your selfless choices. Thank you.

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