Late night Mom-confession

Okay, so I have a confession and I feel awful but you “gotta do, what you gotta do.” Here goes…

Earlier this week B and I went on our second dinner date night (just us) since moving to Raleigh. Clearly it was a long time coming and we had a wonderful dinner and evening out. Side note: after almost 9 years together I was beyond pleased that we got through apps, dinner, and half of dessert before mentioning the kiddos and still have plenty to talk about 🙂 Anywho, when the little ladies did come up it was school, plans, yadda yadda- and then Halloween. We decided that since the two of us had a special night we should do something special with them; B suggested we take them to the Disney store and let them pick out their Halloween costumes. I had already looked a bit online so I *thought* I knew what we were getting into. [backstory, I have never spent more than $15 on a costume and tend to DIY or better yet, have been known to buy clearance after said holiday for the next year.] This year is different though, because Madz is old enough to pick out her own…so I got on board with this special idea and made a plan. 

On Thursday afternoon we had sometime so I took the girls over to the mall. I let them each pick out a costume and a single accessory. There were 25% off signs of Halloween stuff everywhere and again, I had checked prices online so didn’t think much of it. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest when Char picked out ‘ella’ aka Cinderella -her favorite but Madz was struggling I totally thought we were on board for Izzy from Jake and the Neverland Pirates, again this was what I was budgeting for, and I was preset to get out of there around $50 or so. Still more than in the past, but again something special. Well, Madz completely diverted, turning down Izzy and mulling about the store until she spotted the beautiful Sophia costume. I assumed it would be slightly more but still comparable and was able to talk her out of the accessory thinking it would neutralize the cost. #wrong

When we got to the counter it rang up at over $100 umm, sorry absolutely not. Apparently only some of the halloween items were on sale and of course my children’s picks were not on the list. (Thank you Disney for the misleading signs posted on every halloween rack) When Char wasn’t looking I put back some of her accessories and opted for the larger “baby” size rather than the smaller “toddler” size for cost effectiveness. It dropped the price some but it was still more than the budget and I wasn’t happy. We got the costumes anyway. They were thrilled but I kept going back and forth about it. One of Brent’s greatest qualities, that I believe I have referenced here before, is his ability to justify things for his family, especially the girls. “We work hard for our kids.” Yes I agree, but still, to me this was ridiculous. That night I went online “just to see” and sure enough Wal-mart had the same princess costumes for a fraction of the cost. Granted, I am well aware they aren’t the same quality. In Disney’s defense the princess dresses were full and beautiful with crinoline and sparkle- but come on! 

So yes, I did exactly what you are thinking…I returned the dresses and with my head buried in the sand I plan to replace them with the cheap box store version hoping that I can pull a fast one on my children. For now they think they have been “put up” until their first costume party 😦 I have total mom-guilt but the way that a 4 and a 2 year old take care of anything -like, hardly ever; not really at all. Whhhyyy would I spend this kind of money on a COSTUME?? 

In the end, my children are not going to fall for it. I realize this but I’m also going to be able to get them the same character costume they wanted before (albeit less extravagant) but will be able to pick up some accessories for the original budget and I’m hoping that maybe this will provide me with some buffer. Truth be told, if it doesn’t that’s fine. Life isn’t fair and things happen. I have no qualms explaining this to my children (and have) at their young ages and if they don’t like it- they don’t have to dress up at all. Yes, I do believe this and will probably have to pull out this hard-ass mom attitude when Madz sees what I’ve done and melts down in tears, but I do have a heart (even if this isn’t my best moment to show it) and it will absolutely break.

So my dear Madilyn, if you read this in 10 or 20 years, I’m sorry for doing this when you were 4 but I promise food in your belly; new clothes for school; and the Christmas present we are saving for..way more important than an over-the-top princess dress your sister would have ripped, that probably would’ve made you “scratchy” so I’m sorry and I love you. ox


Payout and Payoff

Let’s talk frugality, first. I am happy to report another debt successfully paid off this month.  Actually two. One being a minimal payment these past few months, but a payment nonetheless and the other a (to be expected) unexpected repair on the house before we moved in. Thankfully now they are both taken care of and it is a great feeling. Regardless of whether it was a loan or credit card or just a bill it’s a great sense of accomplishment to have “paid something off.”

On the healing front, it’s been interesting lately. Now that the craze of buying, moving and transitioning has calmed there is plenty of room for all of those smooshed down emotions to bubble up.  Losing my biological father in the middle of closing was optimal only because at the time “I didn’t have time to deal with it.” I realize how this sounds but it’s truth. And as long as I am being honest and in the process of full-disclosure. I have been extraordinary at putting the thought of my Daddy dying out of my head. To me he has been busy over the road for the past few months. I can do this because until he got sick I talked with him regularly but there were gaps when either I was traveling or he was where we both were lax in communication. Shitty? Yes. But the harsh reality is that the longer time goes by and that phone call that “should’ve happened” -doesn’t, the reminder of the reality stays stuck in my core. Don’t mistake, it’s not like I forget, you never forget. I hear his words and responses to so many things I do each and every day, and I realize that people lose parents regularly it’s one of the (many) crappy parts about being a grown-up. I have a psych background, I get it. Stages of grief, healing, yadda-yadda. Is it relevant? Perhaps-okay, yes of course it’s relevant, but when does it get better? #rhetorical

At the end of the day I place my heart and trust in my faith and I remember that I am beyond blessed and I don’t forget this. I just wish he was here to share these monumental moments. I do get it though, everything in time. Thanks for listening.