Pushing through…

Disclaimer: If you are in a cheery holiday mood this could bring you down, my apologies. I have found myself broken in tears not once but twice today, so I need to get this out there now, get it off my chest then get back in the kitchen, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Two years ago, in Vermont my Dad made one of our famous in-and-out trips to Vermont for Thanksgiving weekend. He got to meet his newest granddaughter, our Charli-bear and he let my 4 month gnaw on a meat bone, lol. She loved it. We spent hours sitting around the table talking, reminiscing and just being together. I’ve always cherished our conversations around the table, but this year that memory is haunting. On Monday, our family welcomed another beautiful baby. Little Mason is my Dad’s 9th grandchild and 4th grandson. He looks just like his beautiful mama and I’m overjoyed for our family but I’m also sad; well, sad on top of sad if I’m being honest…

You know that feeling when you know you really need to do something and it will be really good for you but for some reason you keep putting it off or rejecting it. It’s as if we psychologically make the choice to stay in a funk. I didn’t mean to do this but I guess it’s exactly what I did and have been doing. Perhaps a good cry would have been the ticket to feeling better and getting it all out but because self-suffering seems my choice these days I’ve just continued to push through. Clearly, today…well actually Sunday, my mind and body said, enough.

Needless to say I’ve been struggling. Heading into the holidays has made me miss my Dad terribly. On Sunday after days of putting it off, out of nowhere the tears just began to stream. I had been putting it off because I knew once they started they’d be hard to stop, and they certainly were. I don’t want to hate this time of year. I love this time of year. The smells, the sounds, the family togetherness. Growing up, even in our families most trying of moments, it always, always came down to us being together. Fighting to be together. Loving being together and there really was nothing like being together. I miss him. I miss him as deeply as the pain in the moment I received the call. It’s an awkward position to be in. See, I know the reaction people have. I’m so self-aware that I get it. It’s the first holidays without him, of course “it will be hard, but it will get better.” “You just have to keep going that’s what he would’ve wanted.” “Life goes on, tomorrow’s another day.” Honestly, and with all do respect, all of these cliches are absolutely meaningless to me right now. I’m selfish and I want him here.

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