So, I’ve been lax in posting for a couple weeks. January has been crazy but today, on the anniversary of the day our Daddy died I wanted to take a moment to just write to the blogisphere and share is memory and his smile. Unfortunately what I cannot share is his contagious albeit, a bit wicked, laugh; it was infectious and I can still hear it. I miss him more than words…as you already know.
To be honest, this week has been an interesting wave of emotions which is to be expected, but as a slightly-OCD, anxious and textbook defined-type-A person that I am, these feelings don’t settle well. I’ve gone through appreciation, for the time I had; momentary anger; slight bitterness; and overall sadness. In a recent post of optimism I expressed my epiphany of how today couldn’t possibly hurt as much as last year and that still stands true however what my inexperience and naivety has taught me is that the sadness that does carry over, blankets this whole week. I mean, seriously I knew today was going to just plan stink but yesterday and the day before that have reflected the sounds of a climactic musical bridge of pending dramatic heartbreak in a Nicholas Sparks movie. I get that this is all the healing process and perhaps in this moment I’m just a little (okay maybe a lot) downright pissy. None of this situation is fair but life isn’t fair and I’ll push through. I hate that my girls have seen me cry so much over this, I hate feeling broken I know that peace will come and I have to let go of the pain but what I haven’t figured out is how to let go of the hurt without letting go of him. I know that there is a balance in the art of doing this but I haven’t mastered it yet. Maybe I’m overreacting? Maybe these feelings of grapple are not normal in the healing and loss process and I simply need to find my bootstraps (because writing big-girl-panties in a blog is wrong, right?) either way healing for my sisters and I will come and I think overall we have done pretty well but in the end I look forward to the moment when I can share a Grandpa-story with my little ladies without breaking down in tears. For now, for today I’ll grieve and smile and hope in my neuroses that the plane I’m getting on this evening is guided safely to my destination (Don’t ask. That’s a whole other blog post, or entire series possibly lol) I’ll share great stories, pull out old pictures and be grateful. I’ll cry and smile and try to trust that tomorrow I will get to see the sun come up.
I love you, Daddy. ox