Let the sun shine through.

With the first full week of the New Year already over I find myself so torn. This little project that started last March has worked to help get our family finances in a place that will help move us forward and prepare our future just as we intended. The small strides have been just that; and at times it has seemed like the roadblocks were never ending but I can say that progress is being made and look forward to the full retrospect at the one-year mark; but the fact that we were able to become homeowners in 2013 is remarkable. This is a feat that we had honestly come to terms with “may never happen” but it did. I can’t help but think that it was a power beyond. How else do you explain achieving one of your biggest out-of-reach-goals during the such a terrible year. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can’t help but reflect

One year; that is how long it has been. It was one year ago that my Dad was ill, but home. Not  doing great but excited to welcome his newest grandson in only a few days. Little did he know it would be the last blessing he’d get. Ironically, somehow, he did know. We were all in the dark about what was wrong but he knew. In fact, last Christmas he had said that he knew he probably wouldn’t make it until spring. It’s a phenomenon in our family. Leaving us perplexed to his intuition. In my opinion, only a higher power can be the true explanation, even though he did consider himself the closest thing to God. lol

One year; on January 22 it will be one year since the last time I spoke with him. He called from the hospital to tell me Happy Birthday. He waited until about 8:30 when he was alone in his hospital bed to call and wish me a Happy Birthday and see how my day had gone. What he didn’t know was that we had actually spoke once that day. He had said Happy Birthday around lunchtime when I called to check on him; but he had forgotten and I didn’t have the heart to tell him. I remember his voice. Much clearer than our first chat that day, much more like himself. He said he was just fine and would be heading home in the next day or so and that of course “well, the sun came up.”

One year; January 29 will mark the one year anniversary of his last morning with us. I remember everything about that morning, the clothes I was wearing, the car ride into work and the sunrise over campus. It was a gorgeous pink and orange sky and I remember telling Brent to use the opposite exit (completely out of his way) to show the girls the sunrise. Less than an hr later the call came in. Ironically, I was laughing and having a wonderful conversation when my office phone rang, I saw a number I hadn’t memorized but recognized and I knew. Somehow, you just know.

Needless to say January 29 for our family is heartbreaking but as I brace myself for it’s one-year approach I continue to find amazement in my higher power. See, you never want to admit that time can heal because how do you find healing and learn to be okay with such a loss? But the proof-in the pudding, if you will- is that January 29 one year later will not repeat the call that came to tell me my Daddy had died; that has already happened. Of course it will be hard, and scary, and quite frankly I really just want to sleep through the whole day until it’s over but my faith tells me, the pain of this has happened. Trust in your God and let time and him heal your heart. People keep telling me my Dad is always with me, I don’t know if this is true; but one year later believing that he is is simply better than the thought that he’s not.

Image

Sunrise in the Raleigh area on January 29, 2013
Photo Credit: http://spod-tad.blogspot.com/2013_01_01_archive.html

In one year I have learned that the heartbreak and blessings will be there. Good does exist even when you feel as though you have been through the darkest of hours. And perhaps, when you least expect it you’ll allow the memory of a marvelous sunrise to bring light to a very dark day.

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2 thoughts on “Let the sun shine through.

  1. You are a strong women and your Dad knew that, God knows that. Internal strength is the most difficult, especially in a time of pain and heartache-your heart knows that even though the day may be dark, your dad is doing all he can to show you/remind you (through the sunsets, through the miss written names) that their is light…that he wants you to see and feel the good memories, not to mourn his passing but to rejoice in your life together, to remember the great times (even just a smile). Love is a bond never broken, not even by death. Xo

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