To follow up on my last post regarding time. I’d like to take a moment to reflect on its importance to me in this moment.
It’s Friday night at 10:01p, my children and pup are sleeping, the house is dark and Fowler is playing cards with the guys. The house is picked up but it’s not spotless, I’m bundled up to avoid turning the heat back on for a few night time lows when tomorrow’s high is 70. I have had a busy and bittersweet week. In some ways it has been an incredibly long week and yet in others, such as my little Madz turning the big number 6, time just flies by. Life is like that, and without going too deep (because I have no wine or chocolate to rely on for therapy this evening) I think it’s always worth noting that the most invaluable moments are the ones that cost nothing.
Ten years ago when I was asked “where do you see yourself?” or “where do you want to be in five or ten years from now?” I never really had an answer, except “happy and working.” I was never the little girl who planned out every detail of her wedding. I am my father’s daughter, I focused on work. A career first. Me first. In fact, in college my sorority sisters had a running joke about having to throw a party in the form of a baby shower when I adopted a monkey. At the time this wasn’t too far fetched but the joke didn’t last long once I met Brent. Yet, as much as I am a planner, I still couldn’t write out a step-by-step five or ten year plan. In part due to fear, I want to live as much as i can today, so to not be disappointed or better yet, ill-prepared for tomorrow; and in part because I didn’t want to be wrong. I can’t tell the future, even my own and only time will tell what time has in store. So I didn’t dwell but I also couldn’t have predicted the blessings and transformation that would happen in that time.
My cup runneth over. Every trial, tribulation, heartbreak, tear, laugh and emotion that has gone into the last ten years has led me to this very moment of chaotic tranquility only a mother can love; and I wouldn’t trade any of it. The time it has led me to making and taking right now, this moment, this evening- after a long work week, daycare, carpool, lunches, homework, appointments, bedtime wars, little coughs, laundry, dog walks, dinners, dishes, timeouts, boo-boos, stories, kisses, and cuggles- right now- is better than any high dollar spa retreat. The feeling of my little ones fed, read and tucked snuggly into bed. A wonderful and supportive (traditional-American-dysfunctional) family that I wouldn’t trade the world for. The best fit dog for our family who’s only flaw is wanting too much love and maybe a shoe or two. A warm bed to dip into, a career that I love on a team that is amazing. The best girlfriends, near and far, that span miles with no distance between us. A mother that I can only ever hope to be as wonderful as. And a husband who loves and supports me regardless of my crazy and actually thinks he is the lucky one (soo wrong!). Unfortunately, I am just as guilty as the next busy mama of not soaking up enough of these moments. I do try. I cannot express the importance of peace absorption. It exerts high levels of serotonin and is good for the soul. So tonight, I consciously make the time and take the time- to feel the good that exists. It may not pay high dollar amounts and may sometimes seem like a zero or negative balance but that is merely a momentary lapse of emotional judgment. The “time account” earns high interest especially on those little moments, and that’s well worth it. I happy to report that my account is full.