A new stage, a new age and the same progression. I haven’t written in so long and I am not happy with myself for it. There’s a certain sense of (to quote my little sister) “wwooozz–aaaahh” I get from writing. So here goes..
The end of summer has to be one of the most difficult transitions I have. Some people battle seasonal depression and fall deep into their depths during the coldness of winter. This makes perfect sense to me. What is harder to understand for ME is how I, can fight such issues during the summer, one of the most beautiful and vibrant times of year. Vitamins and good vibrations are literally consuming the air everywhere you go, and yet it’s not enough to keep my serotonin levels even at par.
I have a psych background, I get it. Father’s day is a highlighted event that draws a whirlwind of emotions having had some trying experiences on this exact day then having had both of my fathers pass as well as my Dad’s birthday. Jump to the end of July and it marks my daughters birth which was more traumatic and dramatic than beautiful, along with the last time I ever saw my Daddy and the loss of my bio Dad in the beginning of August. These dates just line right up like a decent game of dominoes. I understand the impact of events and anniversaries on our lives but at what point are we able to smile for the memories and let go of the pain? A pain I try weeks in advance to deal with. I have lived “fake it til you make it” and sometimes even I can admit, it doesn’t work. Or does it? I mean I’m making it, right? Admittedly, there are a few closest to me that are reading this with a look of “hmmm”…therefore, I digress.
Then we’ve got the transitions. The seasons of life. Our little ones starting school, the days flying by, the weeks being long and the months just disappearing. Both of the girls have started extracurriculars. Saturdays are now dedicated to ballet and ice skating, with work and errands woven in. Trying to stay sane and nurture all my relationships- as a parent, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a cousin, an aunt, a granddaughter, an employee, a supervisor, a child of god, and the one with myself-I don’t always know how to do and for those whom I’m closest to I offer apologies because I’ve really just plain sucked at it. I find myself turning inward because I don’t know how to turn outward. Vulnerability is not my strong suit. This is probably why I have found myself in a puddle of tears on the past two Fridays on my way to work. The wave of emotion having almost made it through another week, I sound crazy lol and sometimes I feel it but I pull up those BGP and deal.
Within it all life just happens. If I have learned anything it is that life goes on. Even when we want it to stop. There is no pause button. Sometimes we want a timeout and the work-life balance that should be there isn’t, and I’ve come to accept that life is in fact, a marathon.
When I think back to 2014 when I decided to commit to a half marathon it was a really good time to make that decision, and unintentional in the timing. It was the beginning of fall, a season I love and I was terrified but my training runs were cool and gave me a steady 11 mins – 45 mins -2 hrs of just-me time. I also recall a lack of physical obsession. One of the things that comes with this great feeling of emotional crap is that whole love yourself ideology. It doesn’t really work that well. I want to love my body and I’ve come to a place where I’ve forgotten all that I accomplished and I’m frustrated in all aspects of myself. There was a point when I came to appreciate my body and I nourished it and felt good in it. Just like running. I don’t know if I ever loved it entirely but it felt good. When race day came I was ready. A standout moment was hitting mile marker 5 like it was nothing. Granted mile 11 was a different story but then 13.1 was done but there was something about that mile 5 being so effortless and it was the best sense of accomplishment, almost more than the completion. I suppose that’s the metaphor here. The point to which I’m steadily trying to get back to. Where you can look at each “mile” and say okay-done, awesome. WOW, look at that, even better. Okay just keep going you’ll get there. YOU DID IT! Holy.Shit.
I suppose that’s life.