It’s easy, life’s equation is X+Y=Z even if we can’t see the equation at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, there are no truer words.
As a teenager I was challenged with trying to figure out “what I wanted to be.” In my studies, as a student. In my career, as a professional. In life, as a person.
In my 20s, I began to find answers, although I’m not sure how. Slowly I identified the human I was growing into. While many questions still lingered one thing was clear, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to become more. I wanted to become better. What was next? What could I do? How could I challenge myself to improve. Be a better person, push the ceiling as a professional. I wanted to look better, to act better, to be a better mom, friend, daughter, wife, colleague, the list goes on. Tired yet?
The scary thing about the above cycle is that it is a mouse-wheel. One that I could easily exhaust myself on for a lifetime. Lately I’ve found myself still struggling with many of these questions and one thing is very clear to me, I am tired. I have worked hard in all facets of my life, and don’t misunderstand, I will absolutely not stop working hard. However, I’ve reached a point where I’m not sure exactly how to be a better friend without being…me. I know that professionally I continue to grow and learn, education and experiences are certainly key, but I want to be in it for the long haul, how do I make this happen without the burnout I see happen all the time? For my family I learn everyday, but the only way to continue to improve as a better-me-for-them, is to allow myself to be fully present. To stop worrying about being better, and just be.
A year into my thirties I’ve realized this new decade is about self-preservation. Sustenance. The truth is, I want to love me. I want to show my children how to have self-care. I want to preserve my body and my mind in a way that allows me to be present and active, both personally and professionally, for the next fifty years. I want to learn how to do things for myself not just for others. I want to treat myself with the same compassion and love as I have for others. I want to find the comfort that my faith is intended to provide. I want to live without fear of self-ridicule or self-doubt.
Tall order, it seems.
At this moment in time I have no idea how to make these things happen, but I’ve decided that my starting point is to take my journey to the keyboard. This blog has been cathartic for me in many ways and three years later it is time to start a new chapter. I’m not sure where it will take me. Undoubtedly, I will still be my father’s frugal daughter that won’t change, but I accept a new challenge. One of learning and living. It is time to invest in myself.
Psalm 139:14 “…I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”